Released: Raiders Official 12-Man Basketball Roster

Jon Gruden is doing everything he can to get the Raiders back on top of the football universe, but while he’s out recovering from surgery, let’s take his team and see what we can do with them on the basketball court.

Tryouts were this morning in the nether regions of my brain and it was very well attended. Mark Davis even showed up in his fancy sports wagon.

After careful thought and hours of imaginary film study, these were the last ballers standing. And it looks like we finally built Hue Jackson’s bully…

Center: Kolton Miller. At 6’8, 310 pounds with good feet, this was any easy pick. Don’t care if he can dribble or not, Miller’s going to set some screens that would make Bob Knight blush. He’ll also protect the basket and has permission to use all five of his fouls (we’re playing college rules, so travels are still a thing) to their fullest.

Power Forward: Donald Penn couldn’t work out because of his foot, but he swears he’s a baller, so he gets the benefit of the doubt. Penn is 6’4, 340, which is a little stout, but he brings the attitude this coach is looking for and the round mound of rebound promised to deliver. Oh, and Penn wanted to play point, but that ain’t happening.

Small Forward: Derek Carrier played basketball at Beloit College and while he doesn’t bring the athleticism some others do to the position, his physical presence should be felt early in the game. At 6’4, 245 pounds, Carrier might not be able to keep up with some of the quicker wings, but after a few hard fouls from Penn and Miller around the basket, no one’s taking the ball in there anyway.

Shooting Guard: Gareon Conley doesn’t have the height (6’0), but his long arms more than make up for it. He’ll be able to defend taller players and disrupt passing lanes at the same time. Conley can also motor in transition so the coaches are very happy about this decision.

Point Guard: Amari Cooper, if you don’t get us into the offense, you’re getting the quick hook, understand? Carr was a thought here (and at shooting guard), but the coaching staff agreed on this. Cooper has a little more wiggle and acceleration to put pressure on the quick point guards in the AFC West.


Derek Carr (sixth man): Sorry, Derek. Your trick shots on Instagram are a hoot, but they brought up some concerns about your shot selection. Plus it’s rumored that you give yourself the green light to shoot from everywhere. You’ll spend time at PG and SG, but please don’t sit and stare at your coaches until we put you in. We don’t like that.

Martavis Bryant: Look out, Carrier, this man is coming for your job. Bryant (6’4) can play three positions and his game is above the rim like no one else on the team. Take a hike, Goodell, you can’t suspend Martavis in this league.

Lee Smith: We coaches really liked Smith, but he won’t play more than about 12 minutes without fouling out. At 6’6, 265, Smith can rack up fouls at center or power forward.

Jared Cook: A big athletic body (6’5, 255) that should be able to put the ball in the basket. There’s some serious upside to Cook.

Obi Melifonwu: A lanky 6’3 guard with big time athleticism. If Obi can shoot the ball, Carr might drop from sixth man to pouring water during timeouts.

Arden Key: He’s 6’6 and the Raiders list him at 265. If this monster can’t get on the court it’s most definitely #PalmersFault.

Erik Harris: A 6’3 athlete that’s good at everything. After some deliberation it was determined that basketball falls into the category of “everything” so the final roster spot goes to Harris. Don’t let me down, Erik.

Dishonorable Mention: C’mon, Khalil Mack. By all means holdout on your football contract, but what’s this got to do with football? You’d have made the team, but we don’t do scholarships around here.

twitter: @raidersbeat


1 thought on “Released: Raiders Official 12-Man Basketball Roster

  1. Pretty good squad but u lefth out Davidsharpe he has a high school championship with Grayson Allen #1 draft pick

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